What is Love?

There was a real story of a husband deployed overseas, due to him being a soldier in the army. While away, his wife got pregnant for another man. When he came back from deployment, he tried to get back his wife – telling her and others that he still loved her. Interestingly, the new man in his wife’s life also claimed a similar kind of love for her. The new boyfriend killed the wife, in a fit of rage, because she met up with the husband after he returned from service overseas.

Since there are similar stories like this being played out everyday, can we stop some of these tragic endings if we get people to understood what love is? Do you want to know what love is?

Understanding the types of love helps us to understand that love isn’t a monolith. You can feel Philia for a best friend, Storge for a sibling, and Pragma for a partner all at once. Recognizing which type of love you are experiencing—or which type is missing—can help you navigate your relationships with much more clarity.

The Greeks broke love down into specific categories based on the nature of the relationship and the intensity of the emotion.

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory

Psychologist Robert Sternberg later refined these concepts into a modern psychological framework. He proposed that love is composed of three main “ingredients”:

1. Intimacy: Feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.
2. Passion: The drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation.
3. Decision/Commitment: The short-term decision to love someone and the long-term commitment to maintain that love.

The “perfect” form of love, where all three components overlap, is called Consummate Love. However, most relationships cycle through different combinations of these three points over time.

The Scientific Perspective

Scientifically speaking, love is not just a “feeling”—it is a sophisticated biological state that functions as a survival strategy. It is the brain’s way of prioritizing specific individuals to ensure the continuation of the species.

Love as an Evolutionary Tool

Love is the “glue” that kept our ancestors together long enough to raise highly vulnerable offspring. Unlike many species that can walk minutes after birth, human infants require years of constant care.

• Pair Bonding: Love created a cooperative unit. Two parents provide better protection and more resources than one, significantly increasing the child’s survival rate.
• Social Cohesion: Beyond romance, Philia (friendship) and Agape (community love) allowed early humans to form tribes. This collective “love” meant sharing food and defending the group, which was essential for surviving harsh environments.

The Chemistry of the Brain and Body

When we “fall in love,” the brain undergoes a transformation similar to clinical mania or even drug addiction.

• Dopamine (The Reward): High levels create intense focus and euphoria. This is why new love feels like a “high.”
• Oxytocin (The Connection): Often called the “bonding hormone,” it is released during physical touch and childbirth. It lowers stress and increases trust.
• Cortisol (The Stressor): In the early stages of attraction, cortisol levels rise to help us cope with the “fight or flight” excitement of a new partner.
• Serotonin (The Obsession): Interestingly, serotonin levels actually drop in people in the early stages of love, reaching levels similar to those with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). This explains why we “can’t stop thinking” about someone.

Physical Effects

• Heart Rate: Syncs up with your partner’s during intimate moments.
• Immune System: Long-term, stable love is linked to a stronger immune response and lower blood pressure.
• Pain Suppression: Studies show that looking at a photo of a loved one can actually reduce the perception of physical pain.

The Thin Line: From Love to Hate and Violence

Love and hate are not opposites; they are two sides of the same neurobiological coin.

• Shared Neural Pathways: Functional MRI scans show that love and hate both activate the putamen and insula in the brain. The primary difference is that “love” deactivates the parts of the brain responsible for judgment and critical thinking, while “hate” keeps them active.
• The “Betrayal” Trigger: Because love involves extreme vulnerability and high dopamine stakes, a threat to that bond (infidelity or rejection) triggers a massive stress response. The brain perceives this as a threat to survival.
• Aggression: When the “bonding” hormones like vasopressin are combined with a perceived threat, they can fuel defensive aggression. In some, this manifests as “Hyper-vigilant” love, which can spiral into control, obsession, and in extreme cases, violence.

Mastering Love

Love effectively “shuts down” the ventromedial prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for critical judgment—we have to build manual overrides to keep ourselves grounded.

The “Observer” Strategy

Since your brain is chemically compromised during the “infatuation” phase, you need an outside perspective.

• The Trusted Circle: Rely on friends or family who aren’t “under the influence.” If people who love you are seeing red flags that you are dismissing as “quirks,” their prefrontal cortex is likely functioning better than yours in that moment.
• The Time Buffer: Evolutionarily, dopamine is designed to make us act fast. By intentionally slowing down—waiting a year before moving in or making major financial commitments—you allow the neurochemistry to stabilize, letting your rational brain catch up.

Differentiate “Intensity” from “Intimacy”

We often mistake high-arousal emotions (anxiety, obsession, intense longing) for deep love.

• Intensity is a chemical spike. It feels like a roller coaster and often stems from uncertainty or “the chase.”
• Intimacy is a steady state. It feels like safety, boredom (at times), and reliability.

Understanding that a “spark” can actually be a “stress response” helps you stay rational when things feel overwhelmingly intense.

Define Non-Negotiables Early

The best time to set your boundaries is when you are not in love.

• The “Cold State” List: Write down your values and “deal-breakers” while you are single or in a neutral emotional state.
• The Standard: When you fall for someone, refer back to that list. If the person violates those core values, recognize that your “heart” (your dopamine system) is lying to you about the long-term viability of the relationship.

Practice “Philautia” (Self-Love) as a Safety Net

The more you rely on a partner for your entire sense of self-worth, the more irrational you become when the relationship is threatened.

• Maintaining a strong sense of self-identity, separate hobbies, and an independent social life acts as a rational anchor. It ensures that if the relationship fails, your “survival” isn’t actually at stake, which prevents the brain from slipping into the “hate/violence” stress response.

Truly understanding love as a biological and psychological framework—rather than a magical “fate”—changes how we live:

• Removing the “Soulmate” Pressure: Knowing that love is a cocktail of chemicals helps us realize that the “spark” isn’t a sign of destiny; it’s biology. Real love is what we build after the dopamine wears off.
• Emotional Regulation: Recognizing that “hate” is just a high-arousal response to a broken bond allows us to pause and process grief instead of acting on impulse.
• Prioritizing Connection: Understanding that we are biologically wired for connection makes us realize that isolation is physically toxic. It encourages us to invest in all types of love—friendship, self-love, and community—rather than just seeking a romantic partner.

We shouldn’t try to be completely rational though—that would strip love of its beauty and its evolutionary power to bond us. The goal is to let the heart drive, but let the head navigate. Let the emotions provide the energy and the connection, but let your logic provide the boundaries and the direction.

By seeing love as a skill to be practiced rather than a lightning bolt to be caught, we gain the agency to build healthier, more resilient lives.